'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If
you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
    If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you
give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She
multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
    So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton
of shit.'

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.

After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.

"Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"

"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"

"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"

"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."

The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.

Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.

After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.

There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your ass out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!"

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

24. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank god!"

 A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater
cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just
mustard this time."

By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

      A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed  appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that all was well.  However, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs in  his crotch.  Worried
that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told
him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable. 
    Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide
strips of adhesive tape...the kind that takes everything
with it when you pull it off.  Written in large black
letters across the tape was the sentence:
 
 
                           "Get well quick!
  From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf 

How to order a pizza in 2010

 For those that don't know him,Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 
'Australian treasure!'

 Female interviewer: So, General
 Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they
 visit your base?

General Cosgrove: We're going to
 teach them climbing, canoing, archery and shooting.

Female Interviewer: Shooting! That's
a bit irresponsible isn't it?

 General Cosgrove: I don't see why,
 they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 Female Interviewer: Don't you admit
 that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

 General Cosgrove: I don't see how.
 We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
 firearm.

 Female Interviewer: But you're
 equipping them to become violent killers.

General Cosgrove: Well, Ma'am,
 you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you aren't one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 Guts or Balls, there is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a
night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having
the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 QUICK JOKE

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent
and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars
and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head
back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under
some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire
on their bellies.

As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns
to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you
find one this time of night?"

 QUICK JOKE

My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have
killed him if we hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed
the curtains."

 QUICK JOKE

The angry wife met her husband at the door.  There was
alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.  "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?"  "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 QUICK JOKE

Don't Drink The Water
As David Auerbach said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor), because alcohol
has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering
and/or fermenting.

Remember:    Water = Poop,    Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than
to drink water and be full of shit.

The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said,"What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.